How To Roast a Footlong Weenie

There are many unanswered mysteries in this life. Like…where do all my spatulas disappear to? There were three in the drawer yesterday. Why does my new neighbor keep sneaking through my kitchen window and stealing all my Freddy Guys hazelnuts? (Sure, he’s a blue jay but that’s no excuse.) And how on earth does one roast a footlong Olympic Provisions frankfurter on a stick without ending up with a morosely-drooped U-shaped weenie?

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I don’t know about Mysteries 1 and 2, but I have solved Mystery 3 and solved it well. This past weekend we went camping at Trillium Lake and seeing as Michelle is one of the owners of Olympic Provisions and all, she was packing some serious pork heat. There were salamis, bacon and frankfurters scattered to the four corners of our campsite and frankly (ha ha) it’s a miracle we weren’t all eaten in the night by huge pork-loving bears because I’m sure they could smell us clear up in Canada.

Anyhow, the secret to properly roasting a footlong German-style frankfurter over the fire is NOT to torturously twist it onto a marshmallow roaster. A-HEM, Michelle and Lexi?

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It is to tromp around the woods for an hour until you find the perfect forked stick, then pay one of the teenagers lolling about your campsite drinking Coke and complaining about their dead cell phones five dollars to whittle both ends of your perfect stick to Lord of the Flies-sharp points.

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Then, strategically spear your frankfurter and commence campfire roasting.

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And now, you don’t have to lose sleep wondering how you’re going to roast your footlong wiener when you go camping this weekend.

You’re welcome.