Lonesome’s Pizza and Midget Salad

As anyone who attended school with me can attest to, I was abnormally short most of my young life and coming in at around 5′ today, that “growth spurt” everyone was always promising never did materialize. In fact, my elementary school nickname was “Midget.” And now you know a painful little piece of my past. Please don’t use it against me.

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Me at my Sweet Sixteen **

As a result, I am perhaps inordinately fascinated by real midgets, so when I came across Lonesome’s Pizza, a super quirky delivery-only, super late night pizzeria owned by, in their own words: “3 rednecks, a gay guy, and a midget, out to win you over,” I was hooked. Reading the website, it all sounded fantastic–the honest mission statement, the until-4am delivery, the in-box swag, the wild and crazy pizza names…the midget was just the cherry on top.

We ordered Lonesome’s last night, and were rather delighted with the whole process. First, you get to listen to the sweet refrains of Christopher Cross’s Grammy Award-winning single Sailing while you read the menu, which always sets the mood for, well, anything, probably.

The menu lists 16 custom pizzas with themed names that change monthly. This month, the theme is “fights that would be too awesome to actually happen,” which leads to pizzas named “Hasselhoff vs. velcro headboard restraints,” (a ricotta, mozzarella, bacon, walnut, fresh rosemary, and crisp potato slices-covered white pie), “John Stamos vs. the entire Comanche nation,” (alfredo sauce, bacon, artichokes and parsley) and the “Rock Hudson vs. Clothes shopping with your mother,” a vegan pizza with broccoli and cashew cheese. Obviously, you’ll be hard-pressed to choose, so it’s providential that pizzas can be ordered in either large (17″, $18-$23) or small (10″, $9). Try not to get side-tracked clicking the links associated with each fight contender.

We ordered the “Lee Majors vs. a barracuda with a bowie knife,” aka a classic margherita, and “Lou Ferrigno vs. a shark with throwing stars for teeth,” Lonesome’s take on a buffalo pie, topped with pieces of breaded chicken, mozzarella, Sriracha, onions, and bright, spicy banana peppers.
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The pizzas were good, with fresh-tasting ingredients, a thin crisp crust and nice topping-to-crust ratio, but were even easier to love because they came with in-box swag. Like to read the back of the cereal box? Well, Lonesome’s gives you something to read on the inside of your pizza box. We had a couple of fascinating articles about Female Timber Athletes and the weapon-storage potential of fringed dusters. Who knew? We were getting a free education with our pizza.

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I know what you’re thinking right about now. Get to the good stuff already, the part about the midget! All right, all right. The salad section of the menu lists three salads–all named after gigs that Lonesome’s co-owner/midget-for-hire Nic booked this Halloween–the Papa Smurf, the Little, Tiny Jesus, and the Mini-Marilyn Manson. If you click on the highlighted salad titles, you get to see an actual picture of Nic in character. This was easily the highlight of my week, and it’s been a good week.

We shared the Mini-Marilyn Manson–a pile of spinach, Gorgonzola, shaved pecorino, garlic and artichoke beneath a layer of sliced proscuitto and sprinkling of scallions, served with Lonesome’s own housemade rosemary-garlic vinaigrette. I recommend mixing it thoroughly before eating it, as I absently put a large pinch in my mouth directly upon opening the box, not realizing the innocent-looking spinach leaves were laced with scattered clusters of freshly-chopped garlic. I was instantly rendered unkissable.

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It doesn't look like a vampire deterrent, but it is!

And finally, if you haven’t got any ice cream in the house, Lonesome’s delivers $6 pints of Scoop‘s handmade organic ice cream–salted caramel, oatmeal brown sugar, and pumpkin. And vanilla, which you could pair with a Thomas Kemper’s root beer, they’re on the menu too.

So the next time you have a 3 am craving for an in-box swag-bearing pizza called “Burt Reynolds & the girl that stole my cd collection vs. a pride of badgers,” and a salad named after a midget, you know who to call.

Lonesome’s Pizza * www.lonesomespizza.com * 503.274.9570 * Daily 5pm-4am

**Just kidding, that was my Sweet Twelve. Sweet Six? It’s hard to remember. It was a “dress-up” party. I was dressed like my mom, who is of a nice normal height but didn’t feel compelled to pass those genes on.